For over 50 years, I have pursued ways to make information and skills easier to understand, learn, and remember with printed, verbal, audio, video, and interactive electronic media.
As an extension of my work, I learned that communicating with the mentally ill was just a slight extension of the communication skills I had studied, developed, and used over my career.
I also learned that stress due to acts of poor communication is an exacerbating factor in mental illness (along with causes such as viruses contracted early in life and genetic predisposition). Similarly, acts of poor communication may contribute to later relapses. And, I determined, as is becoming widely recognized, that acts of poor communication contribute to, and actually cause, workplace violence where disgruntled workers murder fellow employees and supervisors, school violence where frustrated students massacre teachers and other students, and domestic violence where jealous or possessive husbands beat and kill their wives.
Because of the great harm of poor communication skills and the extensive benefits of good skills, it’s vital that everyone, regardless of age, learn to be a successful communicator. I resolved to help others avoid the disasters and heartbreak that poor communication can cause. Fortunately, successful communication techniques apply to all situations whether communicating with a person with a mental illness or anyone else.
As everyone you communicate with is unique, it’s not possible to predict the outcome of poor communication for any specific one of the hundreds of millions of individuals you could potentially interact with. Some people will laugh off ineptness in communicating. Others will ignore the persons involved. A very few others will drastically retaliate – such as two students at Columbine School in Littleton kill 13 and wound 21 students and teachers, Seung-Hui Cho at Virginia Tech kills 32 students and a professor, and Robert Hawkins kills 8 at an Omaha Mall.
The potential benefits of good communication are so rewarding and the potential harm of poor communication is so devastating, that everyone should and can master good communication skills. Good communication skills should be taught to everyone starting in the first year of school – no one should be able to graduate without learning, demonstrating, and using them.
The episodes at Columbine and Virginia Tech are not the fault of anyone. But, everyone who ever came in contact with the Columbine murderers, Seung-Hui Cho, or Robert Hawkins had the opportunity to “communicate successfully” and contribute to the prevention of tragedy. Am I my Brother’s keeper? Perhaps not, but if we all would have communicated successfully with our Brothers (and Sisters), then the tragedies of Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Omaha may well have been prevented.
Stay on the right side. For truly successful communication to take place, you must have a person’s full cooperation. A person will fully cooperate with you only if the person trusts you and perceives you are “with” the person and not “against” the person. In other words, you must be “on the right side” of the person, rather than “on the wrong side.”
You can’t force people to be fully cooperative so they do their best for you and are loyal to you. (They can’t force you to be either.) Neither can bosses, politicians, dictators, judges, parents, police, spouses, supervisors, nor teachers. They can use and misuse their power, but can’t force anyone to do more than the bare minimum needed to escape punishment, criticism, or other wrath.
Until you give them a reason to do otherwise, most people will give you the benefit of the doubt as to whether you’re with them on their right side or against them on their wrong side. At first encounter, a person will usually place you on their right side, but cautiously. First impressions are critical as the person will give you less latitude early in the relationship and even a small transgression may put you on the person’s wrong side. Asking for something too early in a relationship may be considered to be presumptuous and viewed as working against the person, ending cooperation.
Staying on the right side of a person is like walking along a cliff. As long as you remain on the right side, you have some latitude and everything is okay. But, if you go too close to the edge and fall over, that’s the end of you. Each act (however small) which the person interprets as working against the person will move you closer to the edge of the communication cliff. Each act, even the first, might be the one that puts you over the edge and puts you on the wrong side of a person. Falling off the communication cliff with a person gave rise to the expression, “Now you’ve gone too far!” If you’re lucky and not seriously injured nor dead, you may be able to climb back up to the top with much effort and get back on the right side of the person. So stay on the right side of a person; don’t get too close to the edge of the “communication cliff” and fall off.
Be assured, an enemy will get even with you, no matter how long it takes. If you’re on the wrong side of a person, the person will take advantage of any situation to get even with you. Sometimes when you go over the edge, the person may do nothing. Another time, the person may kill you. One thing is certain, you have made an enemy who may try to get back at you. When you go over the edge, the person will not cooperate with you, truly successful communication will not happen, and you have created an enemy who may retaliate. In some cases, your punishment may fit the crime:
- A wife maims her unfaithful husband.
- A wife spends more than her neglectful husband can afford.
- The teenage daughter of a rarely home mayor is arrested for drug possession.
- The teenage son of a dictatorial police chief is arrested for theft.
- The daughter of a self-righteous minister becomes a prostitute.
- An overworked employee doesn’t get a critical job done on time.
- A son abuses his elderly parents who were abusive to him as a child. In some cases, the punishment far exceeds the crime:
- A cult of high-school students kills 13 snobbish fellow students and teachers.
- A disgruntled mechanic overlooks a very serious defect. (No wonder pilots are always very, very nice to their mechanics!)
- A lonely college student kills 32 classmates and a professor.
- A bounced around high-school student kills 8 shoppers in a mall.
Unfortunately, in many cases, numerous innocent victims are punished for the communications crimes of others.
The key to convincing a person you are working with them is by communicating over a period of time in ways that give them the proper clues. Giving proper clues has many names: establishing rapport, networking, blending, fitting in, being on the team, joining the club, singing out of the same hymnal, and so on.
Build trust. It would be truly wonderful if, when you told your wife, “You’re a nag,” or your subordinate, “You’re incompetent,” then you could undue your stupidity and cancel out your act of poor communication with a single act of good communication by saying, “I’m sorry.” Unfortunately, it takes several acts (usually 10 or more) of good communication to cancel out one act of poor communication. Depending on the seriousness with which the person views the act of poor communication, it may take dozens of acts of good communication to cancel one act of poor communication, or you may never be able to atone no matter how much you do.
Some people are resilient. They may have been born with strong egos and personalities. They may have lots of self-esteem created by years of successes. They may have extensive physical gifts, gifted mental capabilities, a secure financial situation, or many acts of good communication by parents, siblings, friends, and teachers in. They may have stored lots of self-esteem “in the bank.” A few acts of poor communication will have little or no effect on their self-esteem and except in extreme situations, they do not find it necessary to defend their egos with defensive coping strategies.
Other people are not as resilient and have a lesser self-esteem for various reasons which appear to them to thwart their ability to accomplish their life goals, dreams, and aspirations. Maybe they were born with very fragile egos and personalities which overreact to stress, or limited physical and mental gifts. Maybe the have become severely handicapped or disabled by a serious accident or illness, grew up in poverty, grew up with parents who had an unfriendly divorce, or had parents or teachers with poor (communication) skills. Some people in these situations can readily rise above them; others cannot. These people have received few acts of good communication and may have little self-esteem in the bank. A few acts of poor communication may be devastating to their self-esteem. They defend their self-esteem with one or more of the defensive coping strategies even rarely including murder.
Build self esteem. At this point, you can probably think of situations where your acts of poor communication have had a very detrimental effect on others. Don’t blame yourself for what you didn’t know. But now you know, so promise yourself to end your acts of poor communication which put you on a person’s wrong side, destroy the other person’s self-esteem, force them to use defensive coping strategies, and may have serious consequences for you, the other person, and other people. In every interaction with another person, ask yourself, “Am I building the other person’s self-esteem?” If not, change your approach so you do.
A good place to start is to always be diplomatic. Find something good to say in every situation. Never lie, but don’t feel you always have to blurt out the whole truth and everything you know if it hurts or devastates the other person. Employ tact and conciliation. Don’t say or do hurtful things; if you do, the person will never forget and most likely will never forgive you. Even a person with a mental illness in the throes of delusions and hallucinations will remember all your abuse, ridicule, and mistreatment, just as you remember everything that happens to you.
Use praise. Give praise, recognize effort and improvement, and show appreciation. Everyone, no matter how old (less than one day, or more than one hundred years), needs praise. Use praise to encourage any progress, no matter how small. When possible, give the praise in front of other people. Don’t give praise in glowing generalities; people won’t believe you. Be specific. Don’t say, “You did a great job.” Describe what you see, how you feel, or what exactly was done. Say, “You did a great job. You finished two days ahead of schedule.” If you have to, dig deep (very, very deep if necessary) and find something specific that is nice or good to say. Say, for example, “You are wearing a great shirt.” “You have a wonderfully unique way of writing.”
Surgeon: “When I was an emergency room surgeon, I saved hundreds of lives; no one ever thanked me. Now that I’m a plastic surgeon, I never save anyone’s life; everyone thanks me. I like being a plastic surgeon!”
Listen, listen, listen. Do not judge, criticize, or provide advice. People want to be heard. People want to talk about themselves. If you listen carefully, the other person will tell you what the person wants, needs, feels, and thinks is most important about a situation. Remember, you are not agreeing with the other person. You are taking time to acknowledge the person’s experience and feelings without jumping in to disagree with or correct beliefs or opinions. This builds rapport with the person and increases your understanding of the situation the person is in.
Good responses to use are: Oh, mm, hmmm, and I see. Let the person know that you acknowledge what was said to you and accept the person’s underlying and usually unstated feelings. People need this. Doing so builds rapport and trust by showing that you care about the person, recognize how the person feels, accept the person’s feelings, value the person’s opinions, and think the person is important and of value to you. Focus on what the person is feeling and experiencing. Express empathy for and recognition of the person’s feelings. Do not judge, criticize, nor provide advice. (All feelings are acceptable, but not all behaviors.) If you comfortably accept bad feelings, the other person won’t get stuck on them and can move on
Little Girl: “Let’s play house. I’ll pretend to be the Mommy. You pretend to be the Daddy.”Little Boy: “Okay, you talk and I’ll pretend to listen.”
Next, tell what you’ve heard. Even if you can’t do anything about it, the other person wants to know that they have been heard. To do this, tell what the other person wants, how the person feels, and what the other person thinks is most important. Make sure that the other person is satisfied that: you know what the other person wants, feels, and thinks is most important and the problem or situation has been fully voiced. If a person says, “I’m not being paid fairly.” You say, “It must be very upsetting to you to feel you are not being paid fairly.” If your daughter says, “I’m running away.” You say, “It must be very difficult for you to live here.” If someone says, “I was kidnapped by aliens.” You say, “It must be very frightening to be kidnapped by aliens.” If your child says “I want a new toy.” You say, “You want a new toy don’t you?”
State your support. Mirror what the other person thinks is most important about the situation.
- “I want you to be paid fairly too.”
- “I want you to be happy here too.”
- “I want you to come home too.”
- “I want you to be independent too.”
- “I want you to get the praise you deserve for your hard work too.”
- “I want you to get the recognition you deserve too.”
- “I want you to feel safe too.” - “I want you to have a new toy too – I’ll get one for you as soon as you earn it.”
If you are trying to help a person who is sad or depressed, don’t be afraid to talk about the situation. The person is probably too sad or depressed to bring it up if you don’t ask. Don’t doubt that the person is serious and don’t make the person feel worse. Don’t say, “You are being illogical,” or “You are hurting others who worry about you.” Reframe the logic of the sad or depressed person by saying, “What can I do to help? I don’t want you to be unhappy or sad.”
Negotiate. After you have heard the other person, if the other person wants something or you want something then it’s time to negotiate. There are many negotiating techniques. (Many are described in my book). Techniques for negotiation include compromise. However, never compromise on bad behavior. Ending your acts of poor communication and getting on the right side of another person do not mean tolerating person’s bad behavior. Bad behavior should never be tolerated. Tantrums, violence, drug use, lying, stealing, threatening, laziness, and cheating are not acceptable either to you or society. Never give in to them. (If you give in once, the other person will know that you are negotiable, and will keep raising the ante until you give in again.) Techniques for ending bad behavior include limit setting.
Change the world. Wouldn’t a world be a great place if everyone treated everyone else with dignity, respect and consideration – just the way you want to be treated? If in every encounter, starting at birth, everyone was respected and listened to – never humiliated, wouldn’t lives have been saved at Columbine, Virginia Tech, and Omaha? The road to this utopia starts with all of us using good communication skills with everyone in every encounter.